Mr Newbery regrets...

Regrettably I must take leave of my posts for a while.

Don't listen to what they may tell you, I never touched the woman.

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Replies...

A few replies have been coming in over the last few days. I have put links to the letters with replies in the sidebar.
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X - Spitting Chips

The Hon Nicola Roxon,
Minister for Health and Aging.

Dear Minister,

We have just past the 30th anniversary of the Life Be In It campaign where the Norms of our world, the archetypical couch potatoes, are encouraged to get up and engage in a bit of exercise. This is an excellent endeavour and to be much lauded.

You can, therefore, imaging my distress at finding out that 2008 is the United Nations International Year of the Potato.

Do you think it wise that such poor lifestyle choices are being glorified by such an august organization as the United Nations? To have them promoting inertia and lethargy as worldwide ideals is really quite alarming.

But what are we to do? If we were to march in the streets in protest, would we not be acting contrary to the sloth-like wishes of the United Nation’s catatonic commandment? Would this be treason? Would we be leaving ourselves open to having charges laid at the International Court of Justice? Or maybe it’s café?

I urge you and your department to lobby the United Nations to reconsider this decision. Failing that, I would suggest we push them to make 2009 an international year of something with more lifestyle credence.

The International Year of the Runner Bean, perhaps.


Yours starchily,

J Cosmo Newbery.
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IX - Twisted

Dear Sir,

We were doing some serious damage to a couple of bottles of your Verse 1 Chardonnay last night. I happened to be fiddling with the screw-cap, as one does, and noticed the writing on it:

Twist to Open.

You can’t just say that! How am I supposed to know what direction to twist it in? And don’t tell me ‘anticlockwise’ – there are people out there with digital watches, sundials and hourglasses who could die of thirst with such directional neglect.

And, if people are in need of helical directions with the cap, what of the bottle?

“Open bottle prior to consumption” would be wise advice, as would “Do not eat the bottle”, “Keep opening to the top”, “Laceration risk if broken” and “Unsuitable for use as a hammer”.

And, with Valentine’s Day on the horizon, let’s not forget:

“Can be used as a vase. Water not included.”

All these seem to be perfect companions to “Twist to Open” and yet they are curiously absent from the label.

Have I missed something?


Yours twisted, unscrewed and quite possibly unhinged,

J Cosmo Newbery.
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VIII - Beauties of the Bush

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Dear Sir,


I have before me your advertisement in Australian Home Beautiful that invites me to

“Bring the beauty if the Australian bush into your bedroom.”

Australia has some 140 species of land snake, and around 32 species of sea snakes have been recorded in Australian waters. Happily a mere 100 of these are venomous.

We are also home to about a thousand varieties of spider, 29 species of scorpion and about 200 species of frog, with one of which is venomous.

There are, of course, crocodiles who, if you believe the tabloid TV, just love coming into tents, backyard and swimming pools. It is only a small slither to the bedroom.

Even the angelic platypus is nasty if spurred on.

So, while I will grant you that there is much beauty in the Australian bush, if it is alright with you, I would prefer to leave it there.

Yours aghast,

J Cosmo Newbery.
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The company replied:

We understand that not all advertising campaigns will be attractive to everyone and hope that you may find some other advertising campaigns for the Snooze Sleep Well stores more attractive to you.

JCN: Writing to companies is a pot-luck affair. Sometimes you get a good reply. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't get a reply at all. C'est la vie.
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VII - A cold shoulder, arm and most of a leg.

Dear Sir,

I have before me your advertisement in Australian Home Beautiful that advises me that:

“You never know when you’ll need more freezer space.”

In the advertisement, a less than thrilled man is standing holding a small snappery sort of fish while his all to happy wife shows off a large orange fish that she obviously caught; probably through the tail and probably while all the while protesting that fishing is a stupid pastime and that she wished she had never agreed to come out in the first place.

I feel for the man. He is clearly hurting.

Obviously something needs to be done and you allude to it in that phrase in your advertisement: You never know when you’ll need more freezer space.

So true. So very true.

What I cannot figure out is how do you get her in there without sawing off her feet?

Yours coldly,

J Cosmo Newbery.
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VI - A bit cool on the refrigerator.

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Dear Sir,


In days of old when knights were bold and fridges weren’t invented,
Fruit was then to chutney made and eaten in the winter months, contented.

I have always been of the understanding that pickles, relishes and chutneys were means of dragging a little of summer through the winter months. A way of preserving the excess fruits of the harvest and enjoying them, far into the grey, soggy days of the hibernal doldrums.

If this is the case, and commonsense sort of leans that way, why does the label of your chutney advise me to 'Refrigerate after opening'? I have enough trouble stopping Mrs Newbery accumulating a vast array of little tubs of 'stuff' in the back corners of the fridge without also adding fruit chutney to that already rather daunting ecosystem.

What is going on? I am sure that chutneys predate the twin door, cyclic defrost.

If the modern house-wife is supposed to keep her chutney in the fridge, how did the average cottage-wife of the middle ages keep her chutney? Or the Castle-wives of the feudal days?

Or the cave-wives long before them?

Yours in a pickle,


J Cosmo Newbery.

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Heinz replied:

Dear Mr Newbery,

Thank you for your enquiry regarding our Heinz Chutney.

We were pleased to hear from you because the quality of our products and your continued satisfaction are important to us.

Please call our free call number 1800 xxx xxx so that we can assist with your query.
Our hours are 8:30-5:30 Mon-Fri, Melbourne time, and please quote reference number.

Regards
Heinz Consumer Services

JCN: Ho hum! No more than 0.3 on the open-ended NBS (Newbery Boring Scale).

V - Not from my cafe, its not!

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Dear Sir,

As a Christmas treat, I was given a box of your Café Style Fibre Rich Muesli.

And, compared to the thin but nourishing gruel that is normally provided by my keepers, a treat it was. What with four fibre sources (oddly, I count 21 fibre sources in the ingredient list), fruit, nuts and clusters. The clusters got me a little excited for a while, with my feverish mind dwelling on a Distinguished Service Muesli with oak-leaf clusters but it was not to be. But still I was happy enough.

But that is not what prompted this letter. It is Café Style that has me concerned.

Imagine blueish-greenish-greyish lino. Imagine chrome-legged, aluminium edged tables with pink and white swirly Laminex tops. Imagine plastic chairs that stick to you, even in winter. Imagine a pile of New Idea magazines where the crosswords are all done, the celebrities no longer are and all the recipes, if they are still there at all, predate electric ovens. Imagine fried dim-sims that are crunchy to the centre, Chiko Rolls that wont and potato cakes that magically seem to be all batter. Imagine little plastic tubs of sad lettuce, curling cheese slices, limpish tomato slices and indescribable, and largely indestructible, beetroot slices.

You are now entering the twilight zone of the Burwood Café, Crematorium and Laudramat. It is the place to be seen for anyone who is anyone in Burwood.

But I am worried. Are you sure that your advertising people are doing a wise thing in hitching your muesli’s fortunes to this particular café, even if it is hub of Burwood’s social elite?

After all, your product already contains fruit and nuts.


Yours al fresco,

J Cosmo Newbery.
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IV - Lemon curd, flavour a bonus.

Dear Sir,

I have before me a bottle of your Lemon Curd. Well, if the truth be known, Scott’s Lemon Curd. I believe that you are the local representative of Mr Scott and his curd.

A number of things have prompted me to write but let me up front say that I have no issues with the product itself. If anything, I feel that you sell it a little short. Your label states that the product is ‘entirely free of artificial colour, flavour and preservative’. I can see some merit in advertising the absence of artificial colour and preservative but I can’t help wondering why anyone would want to advertise their product as being total devoid of flavour. I have tried your product. To my mind, it seems to be quite adequately endowed with regard to flavour, and I would encourage you to reconsider this quite unwarranted, if self-inflicted, slur.

My chief reason for writing is much more mundane.

I would have thought that a product such as this would have some sugar in it.

Your nutrition panel indicates that the product is 59.9% sugar and yet I am at a loss to find an ingredient that may be supplying this sugar.

How can this be so?

Yours sweetly,

J Cosmo Newbery.
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III - On the level regarding standard drinks?

Dear Sir,

I recently consumed a bottle of your Cabernet Sauvignon Shiraz Merlot.

If the truth be known, I had help, but you will be happy to know that it received popular acclaim on the night. Some credit will, of course, be due to the quite fabulous food I served with it but I am happy to let you take all due credit.

The reason for this letter is a certain amount of confusion that has arisen due to the bottle’s label. Granted I am easily confused but I was hoping that you could provide some guidance on a puzzling matter.

According to the label, the bottle contains 8.6 standard drinks at sea level.

At sea level?

What am I to make of this? Chez Newbery lies about 55m above sea level

Does this mean I get more or less standard drinks from a bottle?

Yours a little elevated,

J Cosmo Newbery.

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The company replied:

Dear Cosmo,

Thank you for taking to time to write to us.

Greg Trott, Wirra Wirra founder and visionary who is now unfortunately deceased, had the following philosophy for enjoyment of the finer things in life – Great Friends, Good Music, Good Food, Lively Conversation and of course Great Wine. It seems that all credit for an enjoyable experience shared with friends over a bottle of our Church Block must definitely go to you for your like-minded appreciation of Greg’s vision. It’s great to hear that our wines are being enjoyed as they were intended!

...at sea level is tongue in cheek. Greg Trott, a bit like a few of us still here, was somewhat of a stirrer and liked to throw in the odd curve ball, so to speak. That’s what we have here. There is not scientific rationale for this - no difference to drinking a bottle of wine at sea level, above sea level or indeed below sea level. So you can be rest assured that a) you got your 8.6 standard drinks and b) Chez Newbery is still a great place to drink Church Block and c) that Greg is amused.

JCN: Thank you.

II - New and Improved.

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Dear Sir,

I am writing about your product, original Milanta.

The new formulation, original Milanta.

OK, I am a sucker for these things but I will venture in regardless and ask the obvious question. Someone should.

How, pray tell, can it be both original and a new formulation?

Yours neither new nor improved,


J Cosmo Newbery.

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Response from the manufacturer:

Dear Mr Cosmo Newbery

Thank you for contacting the Consumer Service Centre about MYLANTA* Antacid Liquid.

We advise that there are several variants of MYLANTA* Antacid Liquid: Original, Double Strength, Dual Action, Heartburn Relief (recently deleted) and each product has a different formulation. Therefore when the formulation is upgraded, it becomes a new formulation but the name of the product does not change.

We assure you of our best attention at all times.


Yours sincerely
JOHNSON & JOHNSON PACIFIC PTY LTD

JCN: So it seems that the name is original, not the product.

I - A whine about glasses.

Dear Sir,

Page 11 of your Christmas catalogue displays a picture of a “set of 2 Reidel O’Series stemless wine glasses – $49.95”.

Stemless wine glasses?

Aren’t they just…uh…glasses?

Next thing you will be telling me that fork is a knifeless cutlery set.

Last night, when washing the dishes, Mrs Newbery devalued a wine glass by snapping off the base. Normally this is a misdemeanour that results in a large degree of angst and humble contrition.

Are you telling me that she is ahead of her time?

Yours curiously,

J Cosmo Newbery.